FLAWSOME #1 (from Feb/2018)

** In February 2018, I wrote a series of emails (to folks who subscribed). 30 emails in 30 days. I've rejigged them a bit and put them here on my blog. The idea was/is that I wanted to engage in conversation via letters/emails, but the same can be done here, in this format.**

So here we go.

*big breath*
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Annnnndddddd… e x h a l e……

So.
Wanna buy some essential oils???!!!

Kidding.

I’m just stalling.
Are YOU a staller/procrastinator?

{I’m doing it again. Stalling, by talking about stalling. Clever, eh?!}

This summer, I was experiencing a lot of weird pain that was starting to look like rheumatoid arthritis in my fingers, hands, wrists, ankles and feet and GOUT in my big toe.
Seriously?!
Gout????
Isn’t that for beer-bellied, surf ‘n turf-eatin' old dudes??
I remember saying things like:
“I’d rather give birth to a dozen babies with enormous melon heads than have this excruciating pain in my big toe!"

There was a LOT of swearing…
A lot of confusion.
“Wait. I’m a ‘healthy person’.”
“ I do yoga, goddammit!”
“I eat healthy food, you asshole!”
“This is happening to the wrong person, obviously”
My hands.
My precious hands, which literally allow me to make my living (massage therapy), were in so much pain… What the fuck?!

{There. I said it. I’m happy to get that first f-bomb out of the way. There will quite possibly be more in future emails}

It was a dark time.
So dark…
I started to realise how my hands are a big part of my identity.
Without my hands, who am I?
How will I make a living, feed my kids, pay my mortgage, play guitar (badly), connect with people, and do the work I’m so good at, that people appreciate me for…?
Did I mention it was dark?
It was dark.

And fearful.
I honestly felt like my life was worthless, with full-colour images swirling in my mind about how I would have to sell my home, starve my kids, live in a tent, and be on crazy medications that I could not afford, that would change me even more.
I cried a lot.
I feel like the only thing that kept me going was Brazilian Jiu-jitsu. 

{the best part of my day}

My clients did not know the full story. I cried, quietly, in pain, while they were face down while massaging them, feeling like I was not helping them. How could I POSSIBLY be HELPING them?
I’m a big one for INTENTION and being in the right space/place in my own body/mind/heart.
I wasn’t there.
I think that hurt as much as the physical pain I was feeling.
It created a loop of pain that was everywhere and was affecting not just my physical health, but also my mental and emotional health.
I, like my oldest son, wear my heart on my sleeve. Everyone knows how I’m feeling just by looking at me, my tone of voice, my body language. I’m an open book and generally happy, and optimistic, (to a fault) and walk through the world with a sunny disposition and a good attitude.
It’s SO MUCH WORK to be a faker.

{I’d rather stack 20 cords of wood and push boulders uphill  <- less energy than being a faker/liar}

I’m a terrible liar and feel that if I’m not fully present, and fully honest, then I am a LIAR.
I remember the first time my dad told me,
“To be a good liar, you have to have a good memory”
Well, I guess I won’t be doing too much of that! I have a terrible memory.
It got to the point where I was - in my mind - writing letters to my kids.

Goodbye letters.

I was making a checklist:

• I should make a will.
• Get my affairs in order.
• Tell people I love them. (write letters)
• Find a good home for Juno (my dog)

Thankfully, I have a meditation practice that allows me to WATCH this kind of stuff.

{more on that in a later post}

I also have good friends.
The best.

{more on them in a later post}

The first friend I spoke to took this ‘piss’ out of the ‘piss and vinegar' I was feeling.
It felt less heavy to not be holding these thoughts all to myself.
She told me I should speak to another (awesome) friend, which resulted in even less ‘vinegar’/darkness, and more clarity.
That friend said I should book an appointment with yet another friend - Erica
See how that works?
Holy shit! Friendship is the absolute best!

Anyway, back to Erica.

Through her skilful direction, it was unveiled that since I was a kid, I seemed to set myself up as a bit of a victim, a bit useless, not really good at anything, being okay with being mediocre. Actually, more like I was playing up what I sucked at.

With this low-setting-of-the-bar, there is less distance to fall when I fail.

The ‘bar’ also acts as a ceiling to stop me from being greater, riskier.
There has been the set-up of a pre-existing excuse of being the UNDERDOG. There is always way more respect and encouragement for the underdog, right?!
Everyone LOVES the underdog.
Everyone loves being surprised by the underrated.
In fact, it works brilliantly in that if I have the slightest achievement, I can be considered a HERO, brave or successful.
You see, how this clever system works, is that you have to start at being really bad at something.

Talk about how bad you are at the thing - A lot!
Then come up with some reasons/excuses/flaws as to why you are so bad at it, why it is harder for ME & add more stuff to the list.
Here's a great example in regard to Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu: 

• Everyone knows that I’m “not sporty”, I’m athletic! There’s a difference...

They KNOW that because that’s what I have told myself and them, for years… a lifetime, in fact.
People say,
“Nooooo, that can’t be true!!”
I say,
“Yes, it’s true! I can’t throw or catch a ball for quids!! Can’t hit anything with a bat/racquet/hand/anything. I’m FLAWED!”

“I didn’t get that ‘gene’, not sure how that happened..?”

“My whole family are super sporty… except me”

“My poor dog… She never knows where the stick is going to go when I throw it…”

• I started when I was older.

Starting a challenging new thing when you are 50 ½  years old is considered “brave”!!

• I’m a ‘beginner’, so no need to be good at it.
• I get Raynaud's syndrome in my feet when the mats are cold.

(cry me a river…)

• My hands are often tight/sore from possible rheumatoid arthritis and doing massage all day.

(wah, wahhh)

• I’m female

(super lame… Jaysus! Seriously?!)

Expectations are low… r e a l l y  l o w.
Then, you are all set!!
If you fail, well… you have 'banked' ALL the reasons in the world!
If you succeed, wahooooo!! You’re a frickin' STAR!

Pre-set UNDERRATED-NESS!

{I’ll have lots more to say about Pre-set UNDERRATED-NESS in more posts}

I was never really conscious of this. But now I am, and it’s so interesting to watch myself do that stuff.

It’s a well-trodden path for me, and difficult to find another way to operate, but being aware is the first step, right?!

Is it a BAD thing?
I dunno... Maybe it's just neutral?

Anywhooo…. After bringing that into my awareness and changing my diet, my hands got better, and so did my feet and toes.
If I can keep away from my KRYPTONITE foods (dairy, sesame, blueberries, and cranberries), I feel better than I did BEFORE all this foolishness.

A big part of me believes that if I can figure out a way to operate that is different from Pre-set UNDERRATED-NESS, I’ll be unstoppable!!

Thanks for reading, gang!

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Hugs,

~C